Aunt Grizelda’s Problem Page

Due to the huge amounts of mail I receive asking for advice, I have decided, dear readers, to start a problem page. All correspondence, of course, will be dealt with in the strictest confidence and the names of correspondents limited to initials.

Dear Aunt Grizelda,

Since the arrival of the spring equinox my mood has been decidedly low. I find it hard to rise from my coffin in the evening, and even a glass of the finest O negative does nothing to revive my enthusiasm for luring beautiful girls to my castle. Could it be my age?

Yours listlessly,

Count D.

Dear Count D,

Your age is unlikely to be a factor. The symptoms you describe are classic for what the medical community term SSAD – spring and summer affective disorder. Although I know you don’t venture out during daylight hours, nevertheless, the increased sunlight seeping through blinds and beneath doors can disrupt hormone levels, resulting in reduced energy levels.

To counter this you might try a dark box. This is a device which radiates dark matter, thus returning hormone levels to where they should be. You simply need to sit before it for half an hour each night prior to returning to your coffin. Do this until the draining spring and summer months are over.

Personally, I would recommend the DM X20, manufactured by ParaSonic.

Yours helpfully,

Aunt Grizelda.

So remember readers, whether you’re from the fae or mortal world, you can contact me for advice at any time: Aunt Grizelda – telling you what to do so you don’t have to decide.

Cautionary Advice to Children on Giving Smart Replies in Class

When I was a young witchling, schoolrooms were strict places. Teachers demanded respect from their pupils, and if this was not clearly forthcoming, their punishments could be a little on the harsh side. Although teachers are less likely to feed offenders to dragons these days, it is still wise for children to think twice before giving unorthodox answers in class, as these may be taken the wrong way. The following poem should be memorised by all school children.

On Giving Smart Replies

Some teachers like to criticise

The child who offers smart replies,

And though your words weren’t meanly meant

Will calculate there’s bad intent.

And if your comment was a jest,

Will claim that no one was impressed.

Or worse, may take it as a cue

To show who’s boss and punish you.

So when in class you feel inclined

To answer with a cheeky line

Remember, and best make it quick,

That no one likes a clever dick.

Remembering some former teachers…