Aunt Grizelda’s Problem Page: Advice to a Scottish Queen.

Family mistrust is a pernicious thing and can often prevent family members accepting help from each other and this is exemplified in today’s missive from a queen north of the border.

Hail to you Mistress Grizelda,

I would pose thee a question regarding the trust betwixt cousins.

Mine own fair cousin is monarch of a land that doth border mine own, but she is beloved of her people and ministers, and doth hold full sway over them, whilst I am beset by rogues and traitors that would hurry me from hence to my grave. In consequence, thereof, I am minded to accept the sanctuary she hast most recently offered me.

Howsomever, it is said by some that her sweet missives offer false hope, and cometh from a grasping, wolfish heart – that in truth, she doth seek to steal Scotland from me.

What course should I take?

Adieu and God rest you merry,

M. Q of S. 

Dear M Q of S,

As G. H. Lewes wrote, “Murder, like talent, seems occasionally to run in families.” And never was this truer than when the family in question is royal. The briefest scan of a history book reveals a shocking litany of horrid murders of kings and queens that in the most part were plotted by their nearest and dearest. And for why? Power. And what avails more power? More land.

But of course, your cousin is currently in a very strong position while you are in a weak one, and while good sense might caution you from throwing yourself upon her mercy, surely she would not sleep easy were anything to befall a sister queen?

It seems to me you have little option but to accept your cousin’s offer and I am sure all will be well if you can demonstrate to her your thankfulness.

Good luck, (and hide a dagger beneath your farthingale just to be on the safe side.)

Aunt Grizelda.

Aunt Grizelda’s Problem Page

Due to the huge amounts of mail I receive asking for advice, I have decided, dear readers, to start a problem page. All correspondence, of course, will be dealt with in the strictest confidence and the names of correspondents limited to initials.

Dear Aunt Grizelda,

Since the arrival of the spring equinox my mood has been decidedly low. I find it hard to rise from my coffin in the evening, and even a glass of the finest O negative does nothing to revive my enthusiasm for luring beautiful girls to my castle. Could it be my age?

Yours listlessly,

Count D.

Dear Count D,

Your age is unlikely to be a factor. The symptoms you describe are classic for what the medical community term SSAD – spring and summer affective disorder. Although I know you don’t venture out during daylight hours, nevertheless, the increased sunlight seeping through blinds and beneath doors can disrupt hormone levels, resulting in reduced energy levels.

To counter this you might try a dark box. This is a device which radiates dark matter, thus returning hormone levels to where they should be. You simply need to sit before it for half an hour each night prior to returning to your coffin. Do this until the draining spring and summer months are over.

Personally, I would recommend the DM X20, manufactured by ParaSonic.

Yours helpfully,

Aunt Grizelda.

So remember readers, whether you’re from the fae or mortal world, you can contact me for advice at any time: Aunt Grizelda – telling you what to do so you don’t have to decide.